You know, sometimes I wonder what normal means. How do people find such a sense of belonging with one another? I don’t or it seems like I can’t think the way other people do. Most of the time I don’t understand the things they do. Honestly, with the world being so wide and big I really just want to hide in my little corner and just waste away. I’m tired of trying to find that place where I belong only to find out that I never really did.
Am I even allowed to say that I’m disappointed? I guess I get this feeling a lot. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t ever seem to learn. Yeah, I don’t really know what I was expecting. I mean I’m not the type of person to get a full scholarship or anything. I know that, but i guess it still kinda stings. When I’m not going to my first choice. When I always seem to be settling for second best. That’s what it is, I’m settling. For never being good enough, for never trying hard enough, for never doing anything well enough.
And I hate myself for never being happy with what I have. For never being satisfied, for never appreciating the things I’ve been given. I’m getting full tuition and then some. I should be goddamned ecstatic. But I’m not. I don’t know. I really don’t get it.
Sometimes I can’t tell. I don’t know if I’m selling myself short or if I’m just only worth this much. And I honestly don’t know what I’m expecting. And I don’t know why I’m so devastated. I really don’t. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy with what I have. I don’t know why I always demand perfection even when I know it’s not possible. Maybe it just hurts because I really will never be good enough.
My mind, oh my god what?
Okay, listing, that stuff works right?
1. I love my friends, today was awesome, even if I was half conscious the entire time.
2. I came home and napped for 4 hours. Apparently, I was pretty tired.
3. My room is a mess, and when I admit that something is a mess, shit needs to be cleaned, problem is I don’t really want to clean…. fuck…..
4. I’m CONSTANTLY fucking hungry. I’m not pmsing, I’m not pregent, and I’m not supposed to be craving random foods. BODY CAN’T YOU WANT TO BE THIN???
5. Even if I’m craving shit, I’m going back on my diet. I gained far too much weight in the past couple weeks, it kind disgusts me.
6. Cous cous is engaged to lin lin, and that’s just adorable. He ( in his typical nerdy fashion) made her go on a scavenger hunt, and solve a bunch of riddles. ADORABLE. Although, I would have been pretty pissed if my boyfriend dragged his proposal out an entire fucking month.
7. My fandoms need to stop. I’m so done, no more fandoms, I need to fucking study.
8. PHYSICS. I’m debating if I should just start skipping that class. *sigh* I’m going to fail.
9. My grades aren’t to bad actually, they’re getting back to where they should be.
10. I need to do NHS things. Fuck. Which reminds me that I have a shitton of club things to do….
11. I’m going to adjust my sleep schedule, so I’m sleeping at 10 and waking up at 6 or 7.
AHHHHH WHY IS THIS SONG SO CATCHYYY?????????????
My dear tumblr, I feel like I’m neglecting you. Not in a “I haven’t been posting” way, but more in a “I haven’t really been thinking lately” way. I’ve been busy. Worked every day this week, studied for FBLA (which we have no chance of winning), and all in all kinda distracted. I guess most of the time it’s just easier not to think. But in the end, it still bothers me. I’m just not that kind of person.
Which kinda brings be to my point tonight. I just took that personailty test:
Your Type is
ENTJExtravertedIntuitiveThinkingJudgingStrength of the preferences %7875111
So, I kinda do realize that I’m naturally extroverted, but with my trust issues with people and my low self esteem I end up shying away because well. My mind just goes “this person hate me”. Which is a problem, but I guess now that I realize this and I’m trying to redeveloped a different image for myself. It’s gonna get better. I’m dealing with it all better and better. What I’m going through right now, it’s not a part of my personality, but a part of finding out who I am and what I stand for. I guess this depression thing can’t be all bad. The scars will eventually heal over, leaving me stronger and better than before.
Yeah, I’m in full crisis mode. I don’t really know where I want to go. Wait, no. I want to go to Santa Clara. It’s such a pretty school. The environmental is amazing and I fell in love with the campus. Yeah, I did. But USD is giving me 40k. FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
You know, maybe that’s the problem. I dislike this focus on money. Don’t get me wrong, I of all people love, value, respect, obsess about money. I’m majoring in Finance for God’s sake. But I guess I’m still idealistic. I don’t like being bound by these financial pressures. I just wish it wasn’t so damned important. I’ve never been mad that my family isn’t privileged. I’m not rich. I always know the exact dollar amount of money in my wallet. But it’s suffocating, I don’t want to have to worry about every cent and dollar. It’s like I’m working so hard to be free from this greedy society, but I’m just drawing myself closer to it.
God, I don’t know. I don’t understand this. And it’s frustrating that I don’t understand it. In the end, the choice is made for me. Fight as hard as I wish, you get what you deserve. And I guess I just don’t deserve Santa Clara. I mean USD is a good school, right?
There is so much I don’t know. So much out there that I cannot even begin to comprehend it. I have always judged by appearance by the way a person is presented. I’ve always paid and excessive amount of attention to packaging. This what I’m going to do. No matter what final profession I end up in, that’s how it’s going to work. What I wear, what I look like, what the stuff I’m presenting looks like. I’m going to be working with judgements that will be passed in minutes. I don’t think it’s wrong. This lacks substance, it lacks depth. But it works. How do you decide if a business is worth investing in? How do you decide if you should listen this stranger? You judge, you gather as much information as you can, and you make your own assumptions.
But somehow, sometimes I just don’t think this is enough. I want to understand you, your back-story, your personality, your joy, and your pain. I can’t just sit here and watch someone cry. I can’t just watch as someone suffers. I may not be able to do anything, but I can’t not do anything. Maybe it is strange that I hug the girl crying in the corner. Maybe it’s weird that I compliment random strangers. But I still give advice to that girl staring at the makeup shelves. Yeah, I’m going to compliment her eyes. Because I don’t know. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’ve been through. Maybe you need help, and compliments haven’t ever hurt anyone. Maybe they can help. And even if what I say doesn’t make a difference, they always smile. Sometimes the first reaction is a wtf look, but then they smile. And that kinda makes me happy. Yeah, it makes me happy when someone else is too.
Then again, I’m rather useless when it comes to people I care about. I don’t know what to say… what to do. What do I say then he broke my heart too. When I wonder the same exact things about this horrible life. And that question, what did you do wrong. When you know that you didn’t actually do anything wrong. When I don’t really understand your pain, I try to, but I know I don’t. I’m sorry, I’m never any help. When you’re sad and hurt, I’m sorry I don’t know how to do anything. I’ll do my best. I’ll try to help and I’ll listen and anything you need. Anything at all.
